Links and Fun Stuff
I hope the links and information here help you to come even more alive - as they do for me.
Every fortnight or so I send out a silly/fun/groovy or inspiring/challenging link or quote, and a thought, even a poem every now and again. I call it 'Fortnightly Stuff'. To read the current edition of 'Fortnightly Stuff' Click here.
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Links to some recent 'Fortnightly Stuff' are below:
'Triggers as Mirrors' (scroll down to read the continuation of this edition).
Mirrors as Triggers - A continuation of the theme:
Continuing the idea of 'mirrors as triggers'. The theme is about situations where you find a person/problem/situation just really gets under your skin and you find you are acting out of character, or maybe very much in character, but realise you yet again fell into a pattern of behaviour you didn't want. And no matter how hard you try and relate or communicate it just doesn't work.
The start point here is that whoever/whatever triggers your reaction just 'triggers' it, they don't 'cause' it.
Ok, so what the difference? There is a subtly here, sometimes your react or get upset about a situation/person and actually while it was upsetting, it was 'understandable' in the circumstances.
Instead I am talking about the times when intuitively you sense you acted disproportionately, or recognise you are somehow caught in a repeat reactive cycle - the times beyond when you feel you could have handled things better, more a sense of 'why did I do that?' or 'why do I always do that?'
And these triggers can happen both out of the blue when things are all 'tickety-boo', but perhaps more frequently when you are off balance, tired maybe or under a spot of stress. So 'the trigger' gets through whatever conscious and unconscious stuff you do to keep a balance or 'a lid' on things.
What I suggest here is the trigger person/situation is a mirror highlighting something for you to learn about what works for you, or maybe even heal in you. I emphasise the 'mirror' is not the same as you, it is just generating a response which is reflected back in some way; and this may not be obvious.
And just becuase it feels real bad at the time, that can radically change and not just by allowing 'time to heal' etc.
Changing your perspective from the person/situation which 'caused' you to feel bad/hurt/anger/murderous, to a situation where you accept they are just a 'trigger' and therefore neutral. That's a big step.
Huge.
And that would be my first request here. A big step because not only are dealing with your own emotions - but also because I am also asking you to let the other person deal with their own issues.
I am asking you just to focus just on you.
Ok, next step - pause - the next step is to recognise the trigger is a helpful indication of an area of person growth or healing.
Now Mike hold on boy! You-have-got-to-be-completely-out-of-out-of your-tiny-mind-to-suggest-that-to-me-don't-your-realise-what-they-did-and-what-a-complete...........etc.
I mean how come I'm talking about this anyway? Maybe ask me about my trips, and the time it happened again, and then after that. And then when it came around again big time brother.
Now of course you can change job, partner, life, etc. Avoidance? Trouble is what seems to happen is that because it is a reflection, you are part of the story, so it travels with you. This is not to say this is a permanent thing, just an area of learning, this can and will change if you want it too.
And the trouble with avoidance is the next time round you may well find the trip-up even harder. Sometimes the other person/situation is playing out their own cycles of behaviour, and is drawn to you to re-play 'their role' again. An extreme example of this is people who repeat the same cycle of breakdown in a series of relationships, or jobs.
But that's for them to handle and deal with.
And 'mirrors' can just be reflecting back information about your 'authentic self', so there can be a situation where someone triggers joy inside you about you - 'they' being neutral and separate.
Back to you. Now you may feel well ok, I'm not sure I agree with all of this or accept all you are suggesting here, but even if I did what would I do anyway? Certainly if all or part of this is on a subconscious level?
Well the first thing is to follow your intuition, trust it. My start point here was to ask you to use your intuition to identify situations which were 'triggers' and not just normal 'stuff', so situations you are responding to in ways which don't work for you.
If you have identified something, here are some ideas below. I ask you again to use your intuition to see which of the following might work for you, and where in the list of ideas you might want to start.
Firstly be gently on yourself. You are not 'at fault', and if the last trigger was recent it can take a lot out of you, more perhaps than you realise because to some degree there is activity at an unconscious level, and so that will have used up reserves without you being aware. So be gentle on yourself.
Secondly there are some great books (and some lousy books!), where you might find routes to support you and again I would suggest you start at ones which you are drawn to. Here are some from the 'Further Reading' bit of on the website:
- Lots of people relate to Robert Holden's books. Someone I really admire, if you get a chance to attend a workshop with him I would encourage you because they are genuinely enjoyable, aside from anything else.
- Marianne Williamson has some great chapters on relationships in particular, but she does 'shoot from the hip'. Her work is based around the 'Course of Miracles' so religious terminology is used. Alternatively Louise Hay's 'Heal Your Life', one of the most influential self-help books which has led to many others you will find in the self-help parts of bookshops.
- And if none of those appeal '7 Habits of Highly Effective People' (even if the title doesn't appeal!) by Stephen Covey has great stuff in it.
Thirdly talk to someone about this. My proviso is this has to be a safe place for you. So this has to be someone not only you can trust, but also someone whose own perspective or baggage doesn't get in the way of supporting you. In reality finding someone with the skills and experience to support may well involve hiring that 'safe place'. Who that person is a whole new subject. A short answer is to engage your heart and your head in making a choice. Or just follow your intuition!